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July 31-Aug 7/99
Richard Simmons will host his own game show this fall called "Dream
Maker" where each day Richard makes the winner's biggest wish come
true..... Richard, I wish you'd put some pants on!
After some debate, the Little Rock, Arkansas board or directors have
approved a motion to let President Clinton have a street named after him..... now the debate is whether it should be called a "cul de sac"!
The London Tourist Board has honored a lavatory attendant for her
services to tourism. Carol Champion, who tends the public lavatories
in the suburb of Lewisham, was praised for being caring, committed
and selfless at a Hollywood style ceremony..... Champion was flush with emotion.
.... much deserved for putting up with other peoples' crap every day.
A giant gathering of heavy metal bands is still on this weekend in Millwaukee,
Wisconsin despite one official's concern over some of the names. The
governor's top advisor nixed a plan for the concert to be held on the state
fair grounds, so it will now take place at a downtown location, featuring
"Cradle of Filth", "Anal Blast" and "Internal Bleeding"..... which describes what happens when you get too close to the speakers.
Two New Jersey drug plant workers were arrested last week after smuggling
Viagra out of the plant by shoving it down their pants..... shoulda seen 'em try to smuggle suppositories.
A Phoenix police sergeant has been fired after alledgedly having sex with
a prostitute in a squad car while on duty. Another officer spotted his car
with doors open, engine running, lights off and a leg sticking up in the air..... and he wasn't calling for backup!!
July29-Aug 4/99
The Jesuit magazine Civilta Cattolica says in its current issue that Hell
does exist and is eternal but is not a firey place as most people believe.....they must be recruiting again.
The German weekly women's magazine Freundin reported last week that
sex can prevent headaches, make you healthier, happier and wiser. Quoting
a professor at the Sexology Institute in Hamburg, the magazine said "Sex
promotes our ability to concentrate, lengthens our attention span, stimulates
creativity and ideas, ............. what was I talking about?
.... so there's no such thing as a f*#king retard!
Winston will soon be coming out with an "all natural" cigarette.
.... so now you can smoke your brains out and still die of "natural" causes.
Darlene Fraschilla, the former Darlene Gillespie of the Mickey Mouse Club,
lost her bid this week to delay her prison sentence while she appeals her fraud
conviction..... in the matter of the people of California vs. Darlene, we the jury find the
defendant G-U-I-L-T-Y.....
A Japanese company is introducing a new "talking refrigerator". It says things
like "The door is open", "the freezer is down too low"....... and "you again????"
Underwear manufacturers in the UK have come up with the new Techno Bra,
designed with a built-in safety alarm. The bra was invented by 26 yr old London
based innovator Kursty Groves..... or was that Busty Curves....
.... the ultimate "Booby Trap"
A thief in Reno, Nevada recently caught a break when merchandise he stole
turned out to be on sale. Billy Gibbs was grabbed by security for walking out
with a stash that included several pieces of jewelry. In Nevada, theft over $250
is a felony. But Gibbs informed the guard that the bottle of cologne he'd taken
was on sale, dropping the total cost of the goods to $248.16 and a misdemeanor
petty larceny charge.
July 27-Aug 1/99
An Argentine police officer stopped an 18 year old woman from leaping off a
water tower last week by handcuffing her and saying if she committed suicide
she would be taking him with her..... yoost like Mel Geebsoan deed in Leethol Waypoan.
According to a new survey conducted by Tupperware, 1 in 5 people are party poopers.
.... so next time you're at a party, look around you. If you see 4 people having a
good time, you know it's you.
A new book out suggests a new name for bratty kids. Lee Carroll is the author
of "The Indigo Children: The New Kids Have Arrived" and says "indigo kids" are
creative, sensitive and often feel as if they're royalty; they don't like to wait in lines,
have short attention spans and score badly on tests..... it's also the color they turn every time the little bastards hold their breath when
they don't get their way!
.... perhaps they'd score better if they .. oh... pick a color... RED a few books!!
A Seattle college student tried to run the bases in the buff at a Mariners game last
week on a dare from a local radio personality. Officials made sure the streaker didn't
make it to first base..... as the rules require 4 balls for that.
An Israeli researcher says Viagra not only works on men, but can also double the lifespan
of plants..... this is where the term "wood" can be aptly applied.
The Prophecy Research Institute in California has an audio cassette for sale with nothing but
a high pitched sound on it. Founder Sean Morton says it's to keep aliens away because "they
function on a relatively simple 3 level energy system and this overloads their nervous systems"
Morton claims 100% effectiveness..... as he has yet to see an alien.
Coffee kingpin Starbucks has just released a new trendy beverage. "Tiazzi" is a blend of juice
and tea. "Tiazzi" also means "my ass" in several Arabic dialects..... Starbucks, Tiazzi!!
July 25-31/99
Prime Minister Chretien issued a statement last week, expressing that he's
saddened by the news of JFK Jr's plane crash..... in fact he wrote "I'm saddened!" on a piece of paper and said "what more
do you want??"
A Lasalle, Ontario man has been found guilty of removing aluminum cans from blue
recycle boxes. Douglas Carinal was fined $1000 for violating a county by-law..... when asked why he was stealing the cans he said, "For openers,......"
A heterosexual member of the Dallas Cats gay softball team has been denied
the right to play in the Gay Softball World Series. The North American Gay
Amateur Athletic Alliance bars non-gay players from championship competition
until their second year on the squad..... in case you're not familiar with gay softball rules, the game lasts 9 innings and
several "outings" and the players adjust each others' cups!
Catherine Gautier, a well known con artist in Paris, France has been charged
with violating national health laws by selling her own special "miracle facial wrinkle
cream" containing deoderized dog feces mixed with lard..... I always wondered what that crap was that women put on their faces... it's crap!
Two Phoenix, Arizona "on-call" nurses, a husband and wife, have been denied
work because of their pay-per-view sex web site. George and Tracy Miller say
the money raised from the site will be used to put their kids through college. A
spokesman for the Scottsdale Healthcare Osborn Hospital says the employees
could be disciplined for "immoral or indecent conduct on or off duty". The Millers
say "It's none of their business what we do when we're not at work. We're good
nurses and that's what should count!".... "besides, no one gives sponge baths the way we do!!"
Bursting beer bottles have killed 5 people and injured 52 in just the past 3 months
in China, topping the list of that country's consumer complaints..... wow... whoever thought you could get bombed on just one beer?
Elton John, who had a pacemaker installed after he collapsed earlier this month, got
more bad news last week. Universal Music Group is dropping Elton's Rocket Records
label..... "just takin' the ticker for a test spin ol' boy!"
July 23-28/99
A Little Rock, Arkansas man used a cigarette lighter to peer inside
a gasoline can last week, setting off a fire that destroyed a mobile home
and critically burned a friend..... hmm.. how 'bout that. A self-thinning herd!
Dr Thomas Loeb , the New York City plastic surgeon who performed
cosmetic surgery on Paula Jones, is being sued by a former employee who
alledges that she had to perform sex acts to keep her job..... Loeb says she simply misunderstood when he asked for "more suction"
A man at a Toronto fast food restaurant drive thru decided that the guy in
front of him took his rightful place last week and in the ensuing confrontation,
was shot in the leg..... not mentioning what restaurant it was, but their slogan is now "Food, Folks
and GUNS"!
The founder of JOE BOXER, Nicholas Graham recently made a statement about
what men will be wearing in the new milleniu: global positioning underwear. The
shorts would be made of a special fabric so that satellites can pinpoint a man's
exact location anywhere in the world...... 46 degrees 22 minutes North, 31 degrees 14 minutes West... and a little to the left.
The man who first put whipped cream in a spray can died last week. Reddi-Whip
founder Aaron "Bunny" Lapin was 85.... he will be chilled 30 minutes, shaken well, held upright directly over the grave
and sprayed in.
It was recently observed that every 2.7 seconds, somewhere, a Tupperware party
is taking place..... I was at one last week. Things got outta hand. Next thing I knew, someone told
us to put a lid on it.
Elton John continues to recover from last week's heart surgery to install a pacemaker.
From all reports the pacemaker is working well.... in fact, it's working so well that yesterday Elton fired his drummer.
July 21-26/99
A frustrated and thirsty driver rammed his car into an Edenwold,
Saskatchewan bar last week, causing $12,000 worth of damage.... the bar is close for repairs this week and will re-open next week
as a drive-thru.
.... a guy drives into a bar....
Two Victoria State, Austrailia men have been charged with the theft
of 22 horses after duping unsuspecting horse owners who handed
over their racehorses for trials, not knowing they'd end up in pet bowls
or on tables of fine european restaurants..... Thoroughbred: The Other "FAST" Food.
An Oakville, Ontario police officer has been charged with neglect of
duty for alledgedly snoozing on the job. Sgt. Lee-Ann Ansell of the Halton
Regional Police Force was supervising the night shift when she dozed off..... new meaning to the phrase "cop a few zee's"
A Kitchener, Ontario judge has ruled that people are entitled to privacy in a
washroom stall. As a result of that ruling last week, a Kitchener man was able
to walk away from a drug possession charged in which a police officer pushed
open a washroom stall door in a bar last year..... this makes it even more difficult to flush out the criminals.
A San Mateo, California driver was shot in the tongue last week as he yawned
while he was stopped at a red light..... there are 2 unwritten rules for driving in California and he violated both:
Keep Driving and Keep Your Mouth Shut!
Maple Leaf Foods is laying off 612 workers at its Winnipeg plant, saying that
they plan to convert it to a processed meats operation..... the workers say "Baloney!"
It was a big weekend for movie releases. Stanley Kubrick's "Eyes Wide Shut"
with Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise.... two bums up for that one...
"Lake Placid" hit the theaters over the weekend as well.
.... "what a croc"
July 19-25/99
A leading English literature professor claims that legendary outlaw
Robin Hood was gay, preferring his "merry men" to Maid Marian.
Gay activists welcome the belated "outing" but the Robin Hood
Society says the claims are damaging a great role model for children..... because stealing is so noble.
.... gee, do ya think it was the tights??
A Denver woman who says she lost her memory on the "Mind Eraser"
roller coaster two years ago is taking Six Flags Elitch Gardens to court,
claiming she repeatedly struck her head during the ride. As a result, she
has suffered long and short term memory problems and had to quit her
job as sales associate at Merrill Lynch where she had worked for 15 years..... or was that 11 years at Charles Schwab.
.... Six Flags says it won't contest the suit, but plans to delay another
week until she's forgotten the whole thing ever happened.
.... sounds like the ride delivered all that it promised. Case dismissed!
Britain's first legally wed transexuals got married in London last weekend,
for the second time. The pair first walked down the aisle 19 years ago when
David was Danielle, a petite typist who fell for John, a fisherman who is now
Janeen, the blushing bride this time..... confused? So was the best man.
The 250,000 member Christian Action Network is threatening to boycott
Disney again. The group released a video last week of 2 Disney dancers
simulating sex acts onstage during last month's "Gay Day" in Washington..... doesn't say which characters. My guess would be Tinkerbell and Peter
Pan.
.... A parade organizer explained that it was a mis-communication on the
dancers' part. "I said act like you're *f'kng* goofy!"
According to the UK Sunday People, Sarah Ferguson has had to put
her fitness video shoot on hold because she's put on the weight lately.
A friend is quoted as saying "She wouldn't look right in a leotard at the
moment.".... Sarah, You've been to Dairy Queen.
Veterinary researchers at the University of Guelph say an increasing
number of male beavers have been found to have a uterus making them
pseudo-hermaphrodites..... as opposed to a true hermaphrodite, which is a male with a beaver.
A new book of Mormon humor has hit the book shelves. "Best Loved
Humor of the LDS People" was released this spring containing jokes and
anecdotes reflecting the sense of humor shared by members of the straight
button-down religion..... how 'bout "Take my wives, Pleeeezzzz."
New Mexico researchers say more than 1 in 20 American adults say they
have disturbing dreams, twice as high as for children. But experts say you
can alter recurring nightmares..... #1. Pay bills on time!
July 17-24/99
A Green Bay, Wisconsin man was in his bathroom last week, minding
his own business... or doing his own business whin a car smashed through
the wall. Police say an intoxicated woman was trying to park her car
outside his apartment when she stepped on the accelerator instead of
the break..... s'pose he was in the right place to have the crap scared out of him.
A woman in Santa Cruz, California got so sick and tired of the hoots and
hollers from local construction workers that she protested by putting
smoked pork chops over her breasts. Kitten Reynolds says she would
hear things like "Hey baby, show me your meat!"..... Now it's "Hey baby, nice chops.. Grade A... Prime Cuts, Mama!!!"
.... with attention like that, there's always the tendency to ham it up!
Allen Lee "Tiny" Davis, the 350 pound killer who insisted he was "too fat
to fry" was put to death last week in Florida's brand-new electric chair. 2300
volts shot through Davis and 5 minutes later, he was pronounced dead..... Florida corrections officials boast the chair will also cook a 20 lb turkey
in just under 30 seconds.
Top Tier New York chefs are lobbying Washington to hold the line and
not increase tarriffs on Dijon Mustards, arguing that they are not just
condiments but indispensable ingredients of many fine recipes..... the government has responded by saying they can't cut the mustard.. can't
argue with that...
Two hosts of American style talk shows on German TV have received death
threats from views who say their shows are too vulgar..... evidently the Germans "hav vays ov making yoo shtopp tokking!!"
Carnival Cruise lines has filed a lawsuit against competitor SeaEscape
claiming they have a patent on the word "fun" in the same sentence as the
word "ship"..... any court that agrees with that must have the patent on the word "ship" in the
same sentence as the word "fools".
The University of Washington says its rare Sumatran "corpse flower" is beginning
to bloom. That means the smell of rotting meat is also beginning to fill the
university greenhouse. They say the flower, which was brought to America in
the 1870s, have only bloomed about 9 times in the entire country..... so now you can either stop and smell the roses or stop dead in your tracks
and smell 'em..
July 15-22/99
Italian Police said last week that they had found the body of a man
who had been dead in his apartment for about 5 years. The news
release stated that it was not clear what finally alert them to the body..... outside that apartment, I doubt that anything was clear.
.... 5 years of pizza flyers outside the door might have been a clue.
The talking cash machine of the future was unveiled in London last week.
Nicknamed Stella, the device recognizes people by iris scan and greets
them by name. The machine learns each user's behavior and can ask
regulars if they would like "the usual"....... with me it'll say something like... "you wish!"
A British couple obsessed with deep-sea diving are going to exchange
marriage vows in front of a congregation of sharks..... I did that. They all sat on the bride's side.
An Allegany, NY man who disappeared for 3 days was found
last week, stuck waist deep in mud at a gravel company. Robert
Fyfe, 44 was stuck for 60 hours before being spotted by gravel
company employees. Fyfe was chasing his dog at the time..... his buds now call him Ol stick in the Mud.
A Fairfax, Virginia man was arrested last week after fleeing the
scene of an accident, naked. Police say he ran naked through
traffic and into a neighborhood before being apprehended a
few minutes later. It's not know why he was naked..... but it was interesting watching him produce his drivers license
and registration...
Hamilton, New Jersey police are probing the robbery and beating
of a township man who was left in his home with his hands tied
behind his back and his body wrapped from head to toe in plastic
kitchen wrap..... Police say they when they found him he was alert and remarkably
fresh.
Britain's biggest tabloid "The Sun" says pop star Elton John had
a heart operation over the weekend to install a pacemaker..... in the process, doctors also removed a leftover drum machine from
the eighties.
The Fourth Annual Redneck games were held in East Dublin, Georgia
over the weekend. Events included pigs feet bobbing, "bug-zapper spitball",
the "hubcap hurl", the "armpit serenade", the "mudpit belly flop" and the
"dumpster dive". The games were opened with the ceremonial lighting of
the gas grill..... I've said it before, never underestimate the power of stupid people in
large numbers.
July 13-21/99
A dentist in Athens Greece was sentenced to 4 years in prison last
week for leaving his patience in agony by using various contraptions,
including oversized screws for dental implants.....MY dentist puts the screws to me in the form of the bill.
The Oscar Mayer Weinermobile broke down last week on its
way to a talent search in Orillia, Ontario. A tow truck delivered
the vehicle to a local dealership where it was repaired..... but by then, it was so far behind schedule there's no way
it could ketchup..
The man the Dutch have dubbed the "dinner pirate" has been
sentenced to 3 months in jail after confessing to ordering meals
and wine at restaurants, only to plead to poverty when the bill
came..... I think he's just redefined the term "Dutch Treat"
Police in Markham, Ontario are on the lookout for a car theft
suspect after he escaped last weekend... naked. The man had
apparently soiled his pants in the cruiser and was offered the
chance to shower before he was charged, but made a break
for it after spotting an open door..... always wondered why the called 'em Squat Cars.
A Los Angeles man, in true entrepreneurial spirit, is preparing
for the bulge of baby boomers about to usher in what he calls
the Golden Age of Death. The man, known as the rolling El
Muerto is franchising his Autopsy services nationally, complete
with a toll free number... 1-800-AUTOPSY..... he says right now business is dead..
.... which really is an enormous undertaking...
A 27 year Toronto high school teacher has been found out
to be a fake. The Ontario College of Teachers discovered that
54 year old Robert Haines had forged student records, and
fabricated his degrees from UCLA, allowing him to enter
Teacher's college in Toronto..... Robert Haines has no class.
Stephen King was released from Hospital last weekend
after spending 3 weeks with injuries suffered in a car accident.
Doctors say he'll continue to rehab from the physical injuries
for several months..... although they say brain damage may have been possible after
he wrote 2 novels, BBQ Starter and the Pammy Knockers and
put together a movie deal with Jim Carrey and Calista Flockhart
starring in Thin and Thinner.
July11-19/99
New US postage stamps will be issued in September, commemorating the
30th Anniversary of Woodstock. The stamp shows the rock festival's symbol
of a dove perched on the neck of a guitar..... this was tried once before but Woodstock veterans kept mistakenly
swallowing the stamps.
Archaeologists from Israel have found one thousand year old coins that
commemorate Jesus. The coins, found near the Sea of Galilee, bear the
likeness of Jesus and have Greek inscriptions praising him..... the archaelogists say they are pressing on, confident they're closing
in on the 12 Disciples Last Supper juice glasses.
Users of Japan's high-tech heated toilets seats, and automated warm-water
bidets are being warned of fires sparked by worn-out wiring on some older
models. At least 4 fires have been reported so far this year..... that kinda thing just burns my ass.
Researchers at may have found a new weapon against the flu. They say
a drug called Zanamivir, which is inhaled once a day has proven to be
effective in helping to prevent 2 common flu strains..... that's Zanamivir, Master of the Damn Flu!
A male-female golf "team" were arrested last week when they were
caught having sex in the 14th hole sand trap on the Grey Stone Hills
Golf Course in Kenosha, Wisconsin. The 2 thought they had 15 minutes
on the 4'some of off duty cops playing behind them..... the woman claims she was being "penalized" several "strokes" for landing
in the trap.
.... who says the trap can be a terrible lie.
Some Canadian women considering the use of sperm donors are nervous these
days. A Calgary fertility clinic is trying to find women who were possibly exposed
to tainted sperm prior to 1996..... the sperm apparently did not come with the standard "Harmful if Swallowed"
labels.
McDonald's is suing Burger King, charging it with unfair competition. The suit
stems from the "Big Kids Meal" being sold at Burger King. McDonald's says
it was THEIR idea FIRST. Burger King says the name "Big Kids Meal" is merely
a description of a category within the fast food industry. McDonald's says it has a
trademark pending. Burger King says no one can own an entire category. McDonald's
says Burger King is copying its program launched last year in the Detroit area..... Burger King says (raspberry sfx)!!!!
July09-16/99
CFL results week to date:
Calgary 28 Saskatchewan 18
Hamilton 39 Winnipeg 9.... Those attendance figures are up from last season's.
Air Canada narrowly avoided a strik by its 5100 unionized flight attendants
this week by reaching last minute tentative contract agreement. If ratified,
the deal will give flight attendants increased retirement benefits. For example,
an employee with 25 years service will be able to retire at 55 with about
$3,000 more per year. Someone with 35 years will receive $4200 more..... and one helluva "B'Bye, Now" party.
After narrowly averting a possible flight attendants strike this week,
Air Canada has announced a seat sale..... they're also considering selling off any lost luggage they find...
It's that time of year again, in Pamplona, Spain. It's the annual running
of the Bulls. Daily until July 14th, spains bravest and most wreckless
men risk their lives in a 3 minute dash to the bullring, pursued by 6 prime
fighting bulls..... I used to think it was the climate that drove people to do these things.
But it's not the heat... it's the stupidity.
This is Nude Recreation Week.
.... alot of people think you do fun and exciting things during this week but, really,
you just spend alot of time hangin' out.
During the commercial shoot for NIKE in Orlando, Florida last Month, Tiger
Woods began improvising and showing off his skills and wound up changing
the the ad..... conversely, Fuzzy Zoeller ad-libbed HIS way right out of a KFC endorsement.
Test Rite Products Corp voluntarily recalled it's 12 volt bottle-warmer last week.
.... with the weather we've had lately, who the hell needs one anyway?
Police at Toronto's Pearson Airport arrested a woman last week when they
discovered she had 2 pounds of cocaine in her wig..... RCMP drug squads are still "combing" the area for more.
.... she was calm and collected going thru customs but her hair was acting very suspicious!
July7-14/99
Researchers at the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Pennsylvania
say that reassuring warm feeling conveyed by your grandmother may have
a lot to do with the way she smells..... depends..
The late improv actor Del Close has won himself a role in his favorite play.
After willing his skull to Chicago's Goodman Theatre when he died in March,
he'll play the part of Yorrick in "Hamlet"..... his colleagues are relieved that the veteran is still around so they
can pick his brain...
A Petaluma, California woman has been sentence to 6 months in jail for
stabbing her husband after he brought home 2 bunches of flowers for
her..... and my wife wonders why she doesn't get any...
A German entrepreneur has launched a range of women's underwear
carrying the name Lady Di..... market research indicates it'll sell better than underwear called
"Queen Mum"!
Former LAPD detective Mark Fuhrman is developing a syndicated
true-crime show for cable, slated for debut in the fall of 2000. Furhman
will interview criminals and later a psychiatrist will study the
interview..... and at the end of each episode we find where Furhman secretly planted
a bloody glove.
.... the show will be shot in black and white.
Anheuser-Busch is tapping the gay market with an new brand - Bud Leather.
The Wall Street Journal reports the brewer will be the national sponsor of
San Francisco's annual Folsom Street Fair, billed as "the world's biggest
leather event"..... the new beer promises perfect head every time.
A US District judge sentence 2 Amish men to a year in prison for conspiring
with a motorcycle gang to sell cocaine and methamphetamines at their youth
hoedowns.... they elders became suspicious with the kids began raising a record number
of barns...
July5-12/99
A Phoenix, Arizona 911 dispatcher is coming out with a book called
"Did You Say An Alligator?", a collection of funny stories from 911
emergency phone calls..... comforting to know our emergency calls are taken seriously.
.... This Fall on Fox: AMERICA'S FUNNIEST 911 CALLS.
Michael Jackson was taken to a Munich hospital last week following
a performance there. Initial reports had MJ burnt from a pyrotechnic
incident. According to an eyewitness, Jackson was standing on the
middle section of a bridge on the stage. The bridge, designed to break
into 2 separate pieces, failed to re-connect properly and Jackson had
to climb from one section to the other, banging his knee..... it's not known if it was the left knee, the right knee, or the wee-nee.
A Miami woman was kept under close police observation last week after
she swallowed some jewellery she had just stolen. 27 year old Debbie
Gonzalez was monitored while nature took its course..... all things must pass.
.... every now and then you'll find a diamond in the ruffage.
Sammy Sosa hit his 30th homer last week as President Bill Clinton watched
from the Wrigley Field owners box..... if we know anything about Clinton it's that he likes to watch.
.... Clinton's impressed with anyone who can get past first base.
A man convicted of 3 killings was taken off Nebraska's death row last week
because of a low IQ. A new state law prohibits the execution of anyone
with an IQ below 70..... well, duh!!
They were celebrating more than Canada Day last week in Halifax. Over
500 people gathered on a soccer field behind Citadel Hill for the 4th annual
Cannabis Day..... in lieu of fireworks, they all just sparked up at once.
A task force of Hibbing, Minnesota residents is considering a center that would
honor Bob Dylan, the folk music pioneer who grew up there..... The Bob Dylan Center for English As A Second Language.
NBC has rehired once disgraced sportscaster Marv Albert, who pled guilty
to assault after being accused of biting a former girlfriend during a sexual
encounter. Marv returns to the network this fall..... he hasn't been completely inactive. He's had a few nibbles here
and there...
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