|
|||||||
|
|
|
|||||
|
|
|||||||
Aug 30-Sep7/99
A Brazilian politician has suggested distributing free Viagra tablets
to stimulate the rubber tappers bid to keep the dying rubber tapping
industry alive.... yes, rubber tappers. What? Did ya thing the stuff just grew on trees?
Orange County, California sherriffs department says a newlywed has
been arrested on suspicion of using a pair of scissors to nearly sever
her husband's nose during an argument..... he's recovering but he doesn't smell the same as he used to.
Scientists at the University of Glasgow in Scotland believe there
may be a gene for laziness which could partly explain why some
people just don't like or tolerate exercise. They are planning a
study of Glasgow children to find a common genetic element..... they just haven't gotten around to it yet.
John Wooten, who bills himself as the worlds strongest man, played
human tug boat last week in Port Everglades, Florida. The former
martial arts instructor walked the dock pull a cruise ship with a rope.
In the past, Wooten has also pulled jumbo jets, a 280 ton train....... and a stomach muscle.
Word out last week from the late astronomer Carl Sagan's biographer
is that Sagan was a secretive but avid marijuan smoker. Using the pseudonym
"Mr.X" in 1971 he actually authored the book "Reconsidering Marijuana"..... it was also around that time that he developed the Big Bong Theory.
Former child actor Gary Coleman told People magazine last week that
he was upset at the death of co-star Dana Plato because of how it would
affect his career. Coleman said anytime one of the "Diff'rent Strokes" people
gets into trouble, it makes it more difficult for him to find work..... is it my imagination or is he actually getting smaller.
.... damn! There goes that Pinkertons job!!!!
Aug 29-Sep5/99
2 Campers near Cambridge, Ontario awoke last week to a bit of
a surprise. They told police they saw a fat, hairy man standing naked
on the top of a cliff. The suspect ran into the bushes and wasn't seen
again..... and not far from there is where we get Canadian.
Police broke up a secretive annual music festival last week, arresting
several people on drug related charges. Some 2,000 people attended
the 14 band event called the Bong-A-Thon..... the music for the festival was "piped" in.
A Panama City pet store clerk called police last week when she
noticed a customer in the shop trying to conceal several snakes
on his person, including a boa constrictor under his shirt and a
milk snake in his pants pocket..... not to mention a trouser snake.
A no-tell motel has appeared in Mexico, taking the name of
President Clinton's former hot tamale. Motel Lewinsky is now
open for business just outside Veracruz..... obviously for people with no reservations.
The Wisconsin state Cow Chip Throw is scheduled for this labor
day weekend. The chips are being gathered now so they can
be sun dried in time for the event..... organizers have just a few more days to get their sh#t together.
Some disturbing figures out of Muskoka last week on drinking.
A telephone survey by the Muskoka-Parry Sound health unit
polled 300 people on their alcohol drinking habits. The study
concluded that the frequency of consumption in the area is 30%
higher than the provincial average. 31% of men and 16 % of women
said they have 3 or more drinks at one sitting..... as Southern Ontario is known as the tobacco belt, the Muskokas
are now known as the Have Another Belt!!
Aug 28-Sep4/99
A Toronto company has applied for Canada's first radio station aimed
at gays and lesbians..... it'll be an am-fm operation and bisexuals will be able to listen to
the simulcast.
.... the promise to play the greatest licks of all time.
.... gee, I wonder if it has a sister station.
.... engineers'll have a helluva time with sibilance.
Police in Ajax, Ontario report that 3 robbers were thwarted last week
because they wouldn't abandon their efforts to force open a safe they
stole from a Swiss Chalet last week. After robbing and tying up the
cleaners, they lifted the safe into the trunk of a stolen getaway car, but
the safe fell out when the car hit a speed bump. So they tried to open
it right there..... that's when they noticed: Lights 'n Sirens n' Cops, Oh My!
A would-be Virginia robber found out that phoning in a robbery just
doesn't work. Fairfax police say the man would call a woman, claiming
to be a phone company worker and saying her phone would be cut
off for a while. He would then say he was robbing her and told her to
gather her money and jewellry for him, threatening to come over and
do it in person if she didn't comply. He's also known to have tried
it on 4 women, none of whom fell for it. Instead, they called police..... who promptly e-mailed the man, telling him to give himself up!
A story out of Baghdad suggests that many Iraqis driving through
the Horan Valley, outside Haditha, are being spooked by naked
ghosts appearing next to a bridge, doing acrobatic moves..... after 2 substantial air assaults from UN forces, Iraqis are spooked
by pretty much anything these days.
A Stanford University Biology professor says that humans are harmed
more by poverty than monkeys and apes..... must be true.. I didn't see many primates on the morning commute!
.... just a matter of time before this guy's replaced by one.
A study commissioned by the Federation of Canadian Naturists
suggests 9 percent of Canadians would rather be naked. The group
reports that 2.7 million Canadians possess a naturist "mindset" because
the have visited a nude beach or a club. Provinces with the highest
average are Alberta with 10.5%, BC with 10.4% and Ontario at 10.3%.
Naturists are more likely to live in urban centers and are above-average
wage earners. When the definition of naturist is expanded to include
skinny-dipping, the average jumps to 20%. 39% of Canadians have
or would walk around the house nude and more than 59% of the country
has or would sleep naked..... those are the bare facts from the firm Olivar, Klozoff and Seymour!
Miller Brewing company is shaking up its beverage line up to include
soft drinks..... tastes great.... less popular.
Aug 27-Sep3/99
A British man set out on a cross-country charity trek last weekend
aboard his motorized toilet. Hank Harp's mobile commode has 3
wheels, 24 volt motor and a top speed of 4 mph..... and even at that speed, there's a good chance he'll wipe out!
.... we wish him a safe journey. I'd hate to see him have a crack up!
.... it goes like stink!
Talk show host Montel Williams was diagnosed last week with MS.
.... not to be out-done, Jenny Jones has just revealed she has PMS.
A Fort Worth, Texas criminal court judge was arrested last week on a
misdemeanor public intoxication charge after police found him and a
half-naked woman in a car in an isolated field where stolen cars are
normally dumped and burned..... with all due respect, your honour, but whatever the offer, we see that
you're on her, so you'll have to get off her.
.... it's not known where the other half was.
In the wake to the Eaton's bankrupcy filing last week, it was no surprise
that the axe dropped this week for many of its 13,000 full and part-time
employees..... on the upside, that axe is up to 40% off!
A New Jersey man is suing a tatoo parlor for a mis-spelling that will
take laser surgery to correct. Joseph Bean liked the idea of a tattoo
on his right shoulder showing a knife plunged into his back and the
words "Why not? Everyone else does!" After he started showing it
off, he realized the word else was spelled e-l-e-s-e..... I can think of something else plunged into another part of his
body to illustrate this.
A Buffalo man who was convicted of public lewdness last year for
having sex with his girlfriend at a Buffalo Bills game, says he'll defy
his ban from Rich Stadium and keep attending Bills games. Thomas
Czechowski got way too friendly with his girlfriend during a Bills-
Patriots game and says he also hopes to do the same thing again -
even if he has to wear a disguise..... do ya think anyone would recognize him with, say, his girlfriend
on his face??
.... let's get one thing straight.. we're talking about the Bills. The minute
you buy your ticket, you're screwed!
..... they caught him puttin' it between the uprights, if ya knowwaddeyemean!!
.... I said... nice PUNT!
Two Newfoundland men were arrested this week for going on a drunken
joyride in a stolen church camp canoe. RCMP responded to a distress
call and treated the two for hypothermia. It was then discovered that the
canoe had been reported missing form a nearby church camp..... goes to show you... it's inevitable.. ya steal a canoe... you're bound
to find yourself up a creek!
Aug 26-Sep2/99
The Azusa, California Police chief resigned last week after a city
investigation found that he had committed a sexual act with a female
employee at a recent hot tub party..... confused co-workers aren't sure if it's because he tried to cop a
feel or tried to feel a cop.
To celebrate the U.N. International Day of Peace, several countries
have teamed up with voluntary groups and the city of New York to
organize a mammoth soccer tournament on September 19th..... a soccer tournament for peace. That oughta be a RIOT!!!!
A Utica New York man now has a fear of "skinny dipping" after
losing his genitals to a turtle. Dayle Nisi said he felt an excruciating
pain in his groin and when he got his bearings, he saw the turtle
swimming away with his testicles..... swimming naked in a lake is not my idea of trolling for snapper..
But that's just me.
It appears that Quebec is the land of opportunity for dentists. Health
Quebec has found that youngsters aged 11-14 in the province have
more cavities than most kids elsewhere in the industrialized world.
There's also word from Stats-Canada that Quebecers, on average,
have fewer teeth than other Canadians..... with the town of Thurso laying proud claim to 2 full sets.
.... as expected when you consider Pepsi, Poutine, Joe Louis and smokes
as the 4 basic food groups.
6 Mesa, Arizona police officers male and female have been suspended for having
sex with each other in patrol cars while on duty..... co-workers became suspicious when they saw one officer down and he wasn't
calling for back up.
.... one officer claimed to be working on a big bust... his partner's.
.... the true meaning of internal affairs.
Last Week, Texas Governor George W. Bush insisted he would not answer
the question of whether he had ever abused cocaine, saying that rumors to that
effect were "ridiculous" and "absurd"..... Bush asserted that he always treated cocaine with respect, adding
that a drug like that is nothing to sneeze at.
Aug 25-Sep1/99
About 200 Canadians who stutter attended a convention in Montreal
last weekend..... the convention's been extended for yet another day.
.... News of the event was spread by word of mouth.
Two police officers were in such a hurry to get to a donut shop in Panama
City last week that they collided. While police may be the butt of jokes
because of the supposed affinity for donuts, the two Panama City officers
were not responding to hunger pangs but to an armed robbery. And
that's serious..... even more serious: an armed robbery at a donut shop!
Health Canada has announced plans to spend 7.5 million dollars to assess
the medicinal value of marijuana..... it plans to spend another 3 million on snacks!
A California state court of appeals has come down from on high
with its own set of rules, decreeing: Thou shalt not desplay signs
containing the Ten Commandments on high school baseball fields..... that's too bad because baseball's most certainly referred to in
the bible... In the Big Inning!!!
.... John 3:16 .. lifetime batting average.
Michael Jackson won a molestation suit last week.
.... sources close to him say he refuses to take it off.
A drunken Troy, New York man went home after a long
night of hard partying and decided he wanted someone to talk
dirty to him. So he called up a European 900 sex line at $9.95
per minute and fell asleep at some point during the call. Several
hours later he woke up still connected with a $7,164 bill..... wanna hear someone talk dirty, you should hear the phone
company tryin' to collect the money!
A new survey suggest that Generation X'ers aren't nearly as sexually
active as their elders. According to a poll by Adam & Eve sex products,
about 50 percent of all adult virgins are between 25 and 29..... of course. Sex takes a little physical effort.
.... and if they're not virgins, they're still a bunch of lazy f#*ks!
Aug 24-Sep 1/99
The Hendersonville Tennessee High School's student handbook
declares more than a zero-tolerance for profanity. "Profane
language will not be tolerated. Stern discipline will be death to
any student guilty of this conduct". School officials assure that its
simply a misprint..... f#$king better be!
Police in Santa Rosa, California had no troube spotting a burglar
hiding in a tree -- he was naked. A woman had reported him
rummaging through her home and grabbed him by the sweat shirt,
which came off in her hands. She then grabbed his sweat pants,
which also came off. The suspect then took off on a bicycle.
Police caught up with him when they noticed the bike abandoned
in a field, with the suspect hiding in a nearby tree..... one officer grew suspicious when he noticed nuts on a fruit tree.
.... the woman described the man as having curly hair, no eyes and a
long nose.
A 17 year old British teenager has died from eating her own hair.
After eating her hair for years, she developed a hairball the size of
a rugby ball..... good thing she wasn't a nosepicker.
A jury in Conyers, Georgia will decide who owns the rights to
publish messages a homemaker says she's been getting from the
Virgin Mary at her farmhouse since 1991. A non-profit group that
organized gatherings to hear the messages says it has the right to
publish them, but Nancy Fowler says she gave a friend the exclusive
rights last month..... the Virgin Mary could not be reached for comment.
According to an article published last week in the journal Science,
pig transplants have proven to be safe. A study of 160 patients who
received various transplants of pig tissue showed that none have
been infected by a virus that is found in all pigs. The finding is hailed
as a harbinger of more such transplants..... so now, you could be in the same room with someone and not
know they've had a pig tissue transplant. Isn't that wild? (snort)
A tiny Colorado company that sells erotic chocolates on the internet
is being sued in Denver federal court by a huge British conglomerate
with whom it shares a name. Virgin Enterprises is suing Virgin Chocolates
for trademark infringement..... either way, one Virgin is about to get screwed.
A former Hollywood, Florida middle school teacher surrender last week
to police on charges of having an 18 month affair with a male student. 44
year old Beth Friedman began the affair when the boy was 14, alledgedly
giving him cocaine and marijuana and as much as $100 a day in spending
money..... never mind the apple, this kid had a banana for the teacher.
.... apparently they would often arrange to meet when she had no class.
.... on the upside: he passed all his oral exams.
Aug 23-30/99
At least 20 of the Chinese migrants who arrived on west coast aboard
the "mystery ship" last week have been given another chance to avoid
deportation by Canadian immigration officials..... "okay, people. This is your last chance! Pencils ready??.. spell
Benmergui!
Former child star Gary Coleman has filed for bankrupcy in Los Angeles.
.... anyone lend 'im a few bucks?? He's kinda short!
Two Michigan high school teachers have been charged with lewd
public acts stemming from their involvement with a local adult club.
The two, a man and a woman, have both been suspended without
pay by their schoolboard..... after being caught giving new meaning to the terms "oral exam"
and "pop quiz"!
Kitchener, Ontario based Kaufman footware handed out 130 layoff
notices last week..... a company spokesmans says they hope to notice a sharp reduction
in loafers.
.... the remaining 550 workers say they're waiting for the other shoe to
drop.
A Hong Kong waitress will marry the drug addict boyfriend who tried
to throw her off an 18th storey balcony and then stamped on her hands
as she clung to the railing..... well, she's not quite head over heels for him, but a pushover nonetheless.
A notorious Pakistani car thief was finally caught by authorities last week
after a long stealing spree. He was apprehended after trying to steal some
vehicles from an army barracks, disguising himself as one "Major Akram"..... how about "Major Blunder".
.... he's since been demoted to "Corporal Punishment"
An Illinois judge decided last week that the next time a 76 year old nudist
takes off his clothes to do his gardening, he'll go to jail. Robert Norton has
been convicted 19 times since 1962 for public nudity. Neighbors say that
during hot summer days, he strips down to work gloves, sandals and a straw
hat while doing his yard work..... they said it wouldn't be so bad, but he keeps showing off his Garden Weasel.
Aug 22-30/99
Rumors have begun swirling around New York that Monica Lewinsky
is shopping for a place in the Big Apple so she can attend NYU Law
School..... anything to show someone her briefs!
A Philadelphia couple sold advertising space at their wedding ceremony
and reception last week to offset their costs. Mr. and Mrs. Tom Anderson
had their nuptials sponsored by no fewer than 24 companies..... it was interesting hearing their vows: for better or worse, in sickness and
in health, as long as you both shall live - OR YOUR MONEY BACK!
.... "Who gives this bride away?" "I do! And and these prices, she won't last long!!!"
An Egyptian waiter who stole a mobile phone from a customer stashed it under
the coals of the restaurant grill in the Mediterranean resort of Marina last week.
When the victim notice it missing, she called the police who discovered the phone
when it rang while they questioned the waiter..... the owner was later seen having a heated phone conversation...
The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML)
launched a national advertising campaign last week, unveiling billboards
aimed at encouraging marijuana users to be open and fight to legalize the
drug. One billboard reads, "Honk if You Inhale"..... another one reads "Denny's, Next Exit!"
Iraq's justice ministry is cracking down on fortune tellers who make a living
telling fortunes and defrauding Iraqis. In anxious economic times under international
sanctions stemming from 1990's invasion of Kuwait, many Iraqi's find some
comfort in predictions of good fortune..... such as 'DEATH TO AMERICA'!
A Norwegian man is accusing a dolphin of attempted rape. The man was
reportedly swimming along side the dolphin when it's penis got caught between
the man's swimming trunks and legs. He says it shoved him forward 2 or 3
metres before he got loose and clambered back onto his boat..... on the other hand, he made no mention of the blowfish!
Aug 21-30/99
Disgraced sprinter Ben Johnson lost his bid this week to return to
competition. The international Amateur Athletic Federation turned
down Johnson's petition with no possibility of appeal..... on the upside: Ben Johnson's still banned from competition.
A Minneapolis family is just the latest in a growing number of
people who are converting from meat to insect cuisine, saying it
might be for you if you're looking for a healthy alternative. The
Cousar family say bugs are low in cholesterol, high in vitamins
and protein..... and TASTE?? MMM! MMM! Just like mom used to swat!
The Mayor of Mount Vernon, New York says a vacant fire hall could
be a shining star in his city. Ernest Davis says he wants to turn
it into the Hip-Hop Hall of Fame..... and I'm there!!! Just as soon as I visit the Pan Flute Museum..
A meat-packing plant in Minnesota has reached a $1.9 million
settlement over a male-on-male sexual harassment suit. Male
workers at the Long Prairie Packing Company claimed they were
subjected to various types of harassment, including being held
down in a bin of raw meat while other workers simulated sex acts..... after hearing that... it'll be a long time before I buy a rump roast.
Actress Molly Ringwald wound up at the wrong movie premiere
last week..... that's okay... she's appeared in all the wrong movies, anyway.
Tourists are driving a tiny Austrian village crazy by constantly
stealing the town's entry sign. English speaking tourists in
"Fucking" (pron. fooking)Austria are constantly swiping it..... so, Fooking town officials say that if you're ever going to
Fooking Austria, you're welcome. Just leave their Fooking
sign alone.
British Elvis Presley fans are upset over a new TV show called
"Naked Elvis". It's a late-night trivia quiz show with a stripping
Elvis scorekeeper..... it'd be most upsetting if it's the latter day Elvis.
Aug 20-28/99
Elton John gave his first performance last weekend since he was
fitted with a pacemaker last month. He gave a private concert
before 3500 in Orlando, Florida on Saturday..... oddly enough, the wireless mic was set to the same frequency
as the pacemaker and Elton ended up singing his heart out.
Cereal giant Kellogg is closing part of its factory in Battle Creek,
Michigan, laying off about 550 people..... workers were told to look for their pink slips inside specially marked
boxes of...
Several people were injured during an industrial accident at Hillebrand
Wines near Niagara-On-The-Lake last week..... Winery officials rushed to the scene and ordered workers to immediately
stop their wining.....
This week marks the official start of allergy season.
.... phlegm at eleven!
A transexual inmate at a maximum security prison for men has filed a complaint
with the Canadian Human Rights Commission alleging discrimination on the part
of Corrections Canada for not letting him transfer to a women's prison. Corrections
officials say inmates can't be housed in prisons for women unless they have female
genetalia. Synthia (Richard) Kavanagh, serving a life sentence for murdering
another transexual, has yet to undergo the surgery..... that's the problem with our justice system. This wouldn't be a problem if he was
hung to begin with.
.... so they told him to go "have conjugal visits with" himself.
Actor Ted Danson is selling his Malibu home for $2.4 million. It's a cape cod style
home with 5 bedrooms in about 3400 square feet, open floor plan, several decks, and
an oceanfront master suite with a sauna..... and you should see Danson's rug!
Brazilian police thought they had a case of organ trafficking on their hands when
cleaners came accross 20 pairs of eyeballs in plastic bags in the trash. But they
turned out to belong to pigs..... meanwhile a nearby shouting match was overhead with someone saying..
"Damm you, I said go and get me a bag of ICE!!!"Aug 19-27/99
A 90 year old pensioner has become the oldest prisoner in England
for running down and killing a woman and her grand-daughter..... good! I hope he got "life"!
Killer bees attacked and killed a one-armed man in Villahermosa, Mexico
last week..... just close your eyes and visualize that.
.... I don't know about you, but if I'm in Mexico, where Killer bees have
lived for years, and I only have one arm... damned if their's not, at least, a
fly swatter on the end of it!
..... it's a shame no one gave him a hand.
Figures indicate that Canada is one of the worst countries for organ
donation, with fewer organs per capita than in other developed countries..... heartless! Just heartless!
An argument between 2 Thornwood, NY pizza chefs about the best
way to make a pie ended when one stabbed the other in the chest..... so the winner was the CRUSTY one!
.... In a strange twist of irony, when they called 911, they were told they'd
be there in 30 minutes or it's free.
According to a recent Gallup Poll survey, 1 in 4 are at least "somewhat
angry at work". Authors of the study say the statistic may help explain
recent outbursts of workplace violence..... 1 in 4. Well, it's not me. Must be one of the other 3 jack asses
I have to put up with every f#&%ng day!!
According to a survey or wireless phone users by PrimeCo Communications
out of Dallas, 10 percent of American men admit they chat on the phone
while sitting on the can - compared to only 5 percent of women..... even more men prefer the Great White Phone if they've been drinking.
A Russian literature teacher at Mount Holyoke College in Massachussettes
spends her spare time teaching students at the women's college how to
strip-tease. Last year she started the non-credit course in stripping on campus
and refuses to charge for it..... In fact, she'd give the students the shirt off her back.
Aug 17-25/99
The first new English dictionary in 30 years has "tickety boo" in it.
The Encarta World English Dictionary contains entries compiled by
320 editors who used computers and communicated by e-mail..... that's just boffo!
A hefty draft of beer saved a pub in Prague from going up in flames
The blaze occurred after the doors had closed and a cigarette butt
ignited. But before the flames could do too much damage, a hose
connecting 2 10-litre barrels of beer melted in the heat. The beer
spilled out and doused the fire..... now THAT's backdraft!!
.... for all you do, this bud's for you.
.... Tastes Great, Less Fire.
A 14 year old Utah boy, has just completed his goal of mowing the
lawn at all 50 state capitols. Ryan Tripp of Beaver, Utah is also the
boy who raised $15,000 for a baby's liver transplant by riding his
lawn mower across the country in 1997..... and is he ever in trouble when he gets home for taking off
with his dad's mower.
American Airlines has announced that it is now saving all unopened
passengers'snacks and treats to give to the homeless..... oh, please. I've already had one packet of nuts. I couldn't
possibly eat another bite!
A South African cattle rancher is planning to stage a sex safari
by holding a motorcycle rally where, for $50 (US), bikers cand
hunt down hired prostitutes with paintball guns..... a more common, less organized sport in these parts.. we call
"huntin' skunk"
A car smashed into a Trenton, Ontario donut shop last week,
hitting the store manager. There were no serious injuries..... but several cops complained of glass in their coffee.
A Hartford, Connecticut couple, 3 months behind on their
mortgage payments say they prayed to god and that he told
them that they didn't have to pay for their house anymore..... God has since contacted the bank and said "relax, I was
just having some fun with them!"
Aug 16 - 23/99
The American Association for Nude Recreation met in Marcola, Oregon
last week. About one thousand people met to discuss legal defense
strategies regarding laws agains nudity.. along with more recreational
topics like horseshoe tossing and nude volleyball..... "Great spike, John!" "Nice set, Mary!"
A convicted murderer has failed in his bid to sue Corrections Canada
for refusing to let him enter the Readers' Digest Sweepstakes last
summer. Allan Cranshaw, a former union shop steward convicted of
killing his boss in '93, went to court seeking $10,000 after prison
officials failed to mail his entry..... adding insult, he just got a letter from Ed McMahon that read
"You may already be a LOSER!!!"
A new study out of Chicago claims that rude behavior is on the rise
in the workplace and men are the ones to blame..... oh, really? yeah?... well, BITE ME!
Ford is hooking up with Harley Davidson to market a Harley pickup
truck based on the F-150. It'll be all black with special Harley details
like pinstriping and chrome accessories..... complete with FWD and FTW
.... and that'll be the extent of the Harley-Ford relationship. cuz... Hell's
Angels in a Windstar... I just can't picture it.
A Los Angeles entrepreneur thinks he has a rosy solution for world
peace: blue tea. Inventor John Reyes claims his midnight-hued tea
can reduce violence because it somehow makes folks less aggressive..... wow! I'd KILL to get a cup o' that!!
A Waterloo, Ontario music teacher faces a sexual exploitation charge
for having a sexual relationship with a female student during private
lessons between 1995 and 1998..... on the upside, she's quite proficient on the skin flute.
.... "And, now my dear, I'll show you why they call it a "french" horn!"
A new hotel in Memphis has been built to honor Elvis Presley. Heartbreak
Hotel is the newest addition to the sprawling tourist complex at Graceland.
The 128 room hotel is done up in a way the King would have loved..... with a fried peanut butter 'nana sandwich on every pillow.
.... and when they send you the bill for staying there, you can simply
write "Return to Sender" on it. The really get a kick out of it.
Aug 15-21/99
A McDonald's TV ad in Hong Kong is turning heads. It shows a woman
striking her boyfriend in the crotch for stealing her french fries,.... and informing him that McDonald's Pizza is now SQUARED!
.... Try the new Chicken McRUPTURE!
An Australian company calling itself the Mars Land Authority has been
circulating e-mails offering real estate on Mars for as low as $6.50. Some
people have actually sent money to the company, which offers a choice
of locations ranging from the mountain to the polar ice caps..... I dunno... sounds kinda risky to me. I'd wait for the time shares, myself.
A Guelph, Ontario man faces assault charges after beating up another golfer
on the 18th green last week for playing too closely behind him..... Tee'd off??
A Florida woman faces criminal charges for alledgedly swearing at the crew
on a flight from Miami to Boston last week. 28 year old art dealer Patricia
Lemerise apparently used the F word when she was blocked from returning
to her seat by a food cart on the American Airlines flight..... I think the airline should be charged for using the F word.. because
what's on that cart is Not FOOD!
The Canadian Heritage department, having commissioned a $19000 poll have
discovered that Canadians do not want a National Insect. 84 per cent of those
polled flat out rejected the notion..... with most of them saying if there was a National PEST, they'd vote Lucien
Bouchard, hands down.
Thieves drained 26,417 gallons of Italian grappa brandy from a warehouse last
week....... a staggering amount, wouldn't you agree?
OPP in Gravenhurst, Ontario last week arrested 4 youths who said they were
squeegee kids heading west for greener pastures - in a stolen car. Police found the
suspects asleep around midnite in the car..... which was filthy... except for the windshield.
Aug 14-21/99
A new book about Bill and Hillary Clinton's rocky marriage strongly
hints that the President had an affair with Barbra Streisand. Excerpts
of the book "Bill and Hillary: The Marriage" appear this week in the
New York post and claim the implied affair, which Streisand has never
denied, made Hillary so furious, she banned the singer from the White
House. Streisand apparently had frequent liaisons with Clinton on his
fundraising trips to California and she reportedly even slept in the
Lincoln bedroom..... Clinton almost let it slip once in a speech, I recall, when he said
"The United States is a government of the people, by the people and
for the people.... who need people... are the luckiest people.."
August is National Hypnosis Awareness Month
.... you're getting very sleepy... very very... sleepy... your body is
now relaxed .. your mind is clear ... except for the notion that perhaps
we shouldn't be doing this while you're behind the wheel...
Toronto attorney Barry Seltzer has just written a book all about passing
gas at the judicial level called "The Other F-Word". Seltzer has sniffed
out all sorts of legal cases involving farting including: A California defense
attorney who accused the county prosecutor of purposely passing gas
during his closing arguments to distract the jury, a Canadian nurse who
broke wind in front of a patient's wife and then asked her if she "wanted
more"... and a Wisconsin man who was sued after his fart alledgedly caused
another person to trip over a snowplow blade..... I would've told you sooner but I just got wind of it today.
Basketball star Derrick Coleman of the Charlotte Hornets faces
possible criminal charges aftger he alledgedly urinated in front of
dozens of patrons at a popular downtown Detroit restaurant..... and he dribbled, too!
An Encino, California company has just introduced a line of
silk and cotton garments featuring the microscopic patterns of
various infectious diseases such as gonorrhea and herpes.....hmmph.. Charlie Sheen must make his own clothes...
A Lakeside , California man was arrested last week after being
caught having sex with sheep..... police caught up with the suspect while he was on the lamb
.... Old McDonald had a sheep.. EE II ooh oh aahhh!
A Hartford area handyman who fell 12 feet into a waste water
tank and came out covered with feces complained that hospital
personnel wouldn't let him clean up and made him wait for more
than an hour before treating his injuries..... hospital staff deny the charge say the man was full of sh#t!
Aug 12-20/99
A Queen's, New York jury found a Chinese restaurant chef guilty
last week of zapping his wife repeatedly with a Taser during a family
argument..... the woman said she was shocked... just shocked!
Over 400 squatters set up a tent city in a downtown Toronto park
last weekend to protest what they say is a lack of affordable housing
in Toronto. Organizers say that the numbers dwindled over the first
night and that those who remained were peaceful and law abiding..... guess it's hard to find intensities in tent cities.
Parry Sound OPP received a complaint over the weekend from a
woman who told them her ex-boyfriend swallowed her watch..... he apparently did it just to pass the time!
Cincinnati's ONE BOOK yellow pages has its publishers red-faced
after mis-printing the White House website address. The official
White House address is www.whitehouse.gov . The directory printed
it as www.whitehouse.com, which sends surfers directly to a sex site..... this is what's known in internet language as a "mirror site".
The Columbian government has imposed tight restrictions on the sale
of cement because it's being used to produce a cocaine base. Farmers
traditionally mix coca leaves with cement, gasoline and fertilizer to
extract narcotic alkaloids. According to US figures, columbian cocaine
output has doubled over the last four years to about 165 metric tons
per year..... and that's a concrete fact!
Welsh police arrested 2 16 yr old vandals who broke into an office
building and began playing around with the copy machine, pressing
their faces against the copier. When they fled, several perfect copies
of their faces were found in the nearby trash..... this is what's known as a true "copy cat" crime.
The latest taste trend sweeping through California's school cafeteria's
these days is the Pruneburger - a traditional hamburger with a dollop
of prune puree to make it more nutritious, moister and more tender..... but you can only order it "to go!"
A man in Saudi Arabia has divorced his wife on their wedding night
because she scriticised his mother. Apparantly, the new wife said
to him "Please ask your mother to sit down because she's not dancing
well. Her dancing is inappropriate for a wedding, and for the standard
of the guests". The enraged many divorced her on the spot by saying
"you are divorced" three times. Under Islamic law a man can do that..... which must really piss off lawyers in that country.
Aug 11-17/99
New Jersey's Supreme Court decided last week that the Boy Scouts of
America's ban on gays is illegal and that the organization must follow the
state's anti-discrimination law..... NOW we'll see sparks when they rub 2 sticks together.
.... "Oh, look! Ricky got his sewing badge!!"
A Longmont Colorado man, honored as Parent of the year last month,
has returned the award amid allegations that he was involved with a
religious cult that prostituted its female members as "happy hookers for
Jesus"..... seems they were spreadin' a little more than the gospel.
Workers at the BMW plant in Munich Germany will get a half hour break
today (aug 11) so they can observe the total eclipse of the sun. The solar
eclipse is expected to last around 2 minutes and won't be repeated in that
country until 2081, so the firm has decided to let the 19,000 workers view
it..... except for those in the headlamp division!.."Keep Vorking!!! Schnell!!!"
Researchers in Chicago say even accidental exposure to testosterone cream
can have bizarre results if children come into contact with it. The journal called
"Pediatrics" cites one case of a 2 year old boy accidently exposed by his body-
building father while they enjoyed piggy-back rides. The toddler grew pubic
hair an enlarged penis and even developed acne..... now he's always on the phone and refuses to clean up his room!
A 19 year old Milwaukee man pronounced dead in a drive by shooting
over last week and even identified by his own mother, called her up to
tell her he was still alive..... the woman was said to be "in tears" because she'd already spent the
insurance money.
A Vancouver restaurateur who named her restaurant after Robert Deniro
is being sued by the actor to stop using his name. Salli Pateman's Yaletown
restaurant "Deniro's Supper Club" serves dishes like the Vito Corleone,
the Jake Lamotta, and the Travis Bickle among others named after characters
played by Deniro..... friend of mine ate there once. Said it gave 'im the Midnite Runs!
Pop Star Madonna has been voted "Worst Dressed Celebrity" by the
entertainment magazine "US"..... on the upside, someone actually saw her dressed.
London's maverick Mayoral candidate Ken Livingstone wants an
endorsement from British PM Tony Blair to let him represent the
labor party, saying if he doesn't get to run, he'll become depressed
and die from psoriasis..... as if the Labor party doesn't have enough flakes.
The President of Starkist Seafoods has resigned to pursue a career as
a rock & roll drummer. A company spokesman says 45 year old Edgar
Johnson apparently wants to concentrate on his band "Four on the Floor"
which is currently recording its first cd..... he's singing out of tuna!
Aug 10-17/99
A Glendale, Arizona grandmother was officially declared a woman
by the World Assoc. of Veteran Athletes last week. The question
came up in Newcastle, England where she is competing and set a
record time of 13.5 seconds in the 100 meter dash - prompting members
of the Australian and New Zealand teams to complain that she was
really a man..... she was quite upset at the allegations, claiming that she had worked
her nuts off, training for this event..... in defiant response she said, "If they don't believe I'm a woman, they
can damm well suck my dick!"
A 42 year old Florida Boy Scout leader was found alive, hanging naked
from a tree by his ankles last week after going mising for more than 24 hours.
Investigators say he did it for a "solo-sexual" thing but, apparently, didn't
have the strength to pull himself up, leaving him dangling and causing serious
damage to his ankles. The first part of his ordeal was captured on video
as he had set up his own camera..... on the upside: he got his tenderfoot badge.
The Ontario Ministry of Transportation cut 13 snowplowing jobs in
Cochrane last week..... The Harris Government is promising further cuts if it doesn't start
snowing soon.
Another athlete at the Pan Am Games in Winnipeg failed a drug test
last week. Cuba's Javier Sotomayor lost the gold medal he won in
the high jump for having cocaine in his system..... well. .. it WAS the HIGH jump!
Dallas Zoo researchers lookig for ways to save the ocelot have found a
scent that drives 'em wild and encourages them to breed: Calvin Klein's
OBSESSION FOR MEN cologne. The cats reacted by rolling and rubbing
themselves against the spot where the scent was applied in a response much
like domestic cats show to catnip..... and much like humans do when they get liquored up
A judge in Harare, Zimbabwe says a prostitute who ran away from a client
demanding a 3rd round of sex should have delivered, criticizing a lower court
for convicting a man of sexually assaulting a hooker after she refused a 3rd
round of sex. The woman complained that the fee was too small ($70 zmbwe-
$1.83 us - $2.73 can) but the judge ruled that the accused was entitled to
hold the plaintiff to the terms of the agreement..... even if it was an oral one....
Highliner foods is laying off 116 workers in Lunenberg, Nova Scotia.
.... Har, Billy.. Ever seen a pink slip b'fore???
A Dutch postman was suspended from work last week for delivering the mail in
a miniskirt to protest the post office's ban on male letter carriers wearing short pants
in hot weather..... the skirt wasn't his but it did make its way back to the owner with the help of
the "return a-ddress" label.
.... it's the first time a postal worker was caught shaking his OWN package.
Aug 9-17/99
Police have located the $30,000 cello belonging to star cellist Amanda
Forsythe of the NAC orchestra. Over a week ago, a male teen was
caught on video walking out of a locker room at the NAC with the
instrument. Police traced it to a suspect whjo was using it to rehearse
for a chamber recital at a local church..... authorities promised a light sentence if the cello was promptly returned..
no strings attached..
The Australian bushman who inspired the 1986 hit movie "Crocodile Dundee"
has been killed in a police shootout. Police say Rodney Ansell shot and
killed a police officer at a road block and the officer's partner killed him with
return fire. Ansell was the role model for Paul Hogan's knife slinging outback
hero "Crocodile Dundee"..... and has now inspired the new FOX movie "COP KILLER DUNDEE"
A South Niagara man is recovering from the shock of being robbed at his
home in broad daylight. The man was in his garage on Sodom road in
Stevensville, near Fort Erie when it happened..... On Sodom road, he's quite lucky something else didn't happen to
him in broad daylight.
A group of American Muslims is calling for a world-wide boycott of
Burger King because they're upset that the fast food chain has opened up
a West Bank Settlement location..... have it your way.
A 34 year old Calgary man ran himself over with his mother's car last week.
While sitting in the passenger side of the parked car he "inadvertently" knocked
the gear shift into neutral. The man then hopped out and attempted to stop it
with his hands. Emergency medical officials say the car pushed him over and
wedged his head between the bumper and a tree, causing substantial soft-
tissue injuries to his head..... something tells us this isn't the first occurrance of injuries of this sort.
.... do I hear "druelling banjos"??
Struggling Actor Sean Machu has dropped his claim that he's the son and heir
to the late Sonny Bono..... seems now he's getting fewer job offers since admitting his lineage.
A 21 year old man thumbing a ride near Woodstock, Ontario last week ran
toward a car when it stopped to pick him up and promptly ran straight into a
sign post, knocking himself unconscious and falling into a ditch. To add insult
to injury, the car drove off. The man was treated in hospital and released...... alot cheaper than the Woodstock '99 experience ... but the same effect.
A lot of car buffs will getting in the buff this weekend for the 10th Annual
Nude Classic Car Show in Cambridge, Wisconsin..... you'll see alot of people riding around with their top down... some even in
convertibles..
.... where it wouldn't be out of the ordinary to see the odd crack in a windshield.
Aug 8-14/99
First Lady Hillary Clinton spoke publicly for the first time last week on
why she stood by her man. In an interview for Talk magazine, she said
the President is a "hard dog to keep on the porch"..... proving that you can take the Clintons out of Arkansas but you can't
take Arkansas out of the Clintons.
.... definitely one case where tail wagged the dog.
A Serbian government minister last week blamed NATO's 11 week air
assault on Yugoslavia for unseasonal spring and summer weather..... Nato says, if they prefer, they can return to more "bomby" conditions.
Police in Springfield, Illinois are investigating a complaint made by a 41 yr
old man who says one of his neighbors stole his glass eye, with the neighbor
switching his own glass eye for it..... can't we all just see eye to eye???
A 99 year old life-long crossword addict left here last will and testament
scrawled on the edge of The London Daily Telegraph crossword puzzle
she solved every day. She left everything she had to her nephew..... now, she'll forever be... 6 Down...
The British Army has decided that soldiers who undergo a sex change
will be allowed to stay in the military. The decision follows controversy
over the case of Sgt.Major Joe Rushton, who now calls himself Joanne..... congratulations, Sgt Major. Your privates have been transferred.
Monica Lewinsky suffered minor injuries last week when her Ford Explorer
flipped over on the 101 freeway in California..... Doctors say the injuries weren't serious and that she'll be back on her knees
in no time.
Pfizer has withdrawn its impotence drug "Viagra" as one of the prizes in a
Malaysian golf tournament, saying they didn't want people to think it was
treating erectile dysfunction lightly. Organizers of the Chequers Golf Classic
had offered a year's supply to the first two players to score a hole in one..... and, really, is there anything in life harder than a hole in one??
A 450 pound Quebec city man facing drug trafficking charges has been sent
home because he's simply too big for the narrow cot in his cell. 57 year old
Michel Racine appeared in court facing charges of narcotics possession with
the intent to traffic..... at 450 pounds, that's alot of crack to be walking around with.
The oldest brothel in Nevada is finally closing its doors and declaring
bankrupcy..... on the upside, after 61 years of faithful service, Agnes will have one
helluva pension.
Aug 7-14/99
A Bath, England man's false teeth were found in his windpipe last week
after missing them for 8 years. A bronchoscope camera was used to detect
the teeth, which got lodged after a traffic accident..... thru the same procedure doctors also found the man has had his head up his ass.
Actress Sharon Stone is having a difficult time selling her LA home. She had
it listed at $835,000 and recently dropped the price to $739,000..... she really does have quite a nice spread. You should see it.
The chief suspect in the murder of a Montreal woman has told Lebanese
authorities that he did not stab the woman and cram her body into a
suitcase which was found abandoned at London's Heathrow Airport..... not to make light of a story like this, but it makes you wonder what was in
the shoulder bag .. and the over"head" compartment.
The dress code and cleavage problem at Franklin High School in Franklin,
Tennessee has become so serious that, starting this fall, students showing
any cleavage whatsoever, will be be dealt with in a disciplinary fashion..... in other words, "some kind of bust!"
Researchers at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Indiana have discovered
that Alzheimer's patients are stimulated by the presence of aquarium fish..... okay, so you go through alot of fish, but the point is......
A Lutz, Fla man's car hit a horse last week, decapitating it and sending its
head through the windshield and onto a passenger's lap. The car's damage
was estimated at $4,000, the horse's value estimated at $3,000..... the owner of the horse is also charging for the "paint" job.
Portland, Oregon police say a self-employed handyman, irate over the city's
new pay-per-bag trash policy, fired a pneumatic nail gun at a garbage truck
last week..... at least they assume he's a self-employed handyman. Neighbors say he's
always trying to "fix someone's little red wagon"
An Asper, Alabama man and his dog were killed last week when the lawn
mower he was riding suddenly exploded, hurling pieces of the mower over
the roof of his house. ATF officials have been called in to investigate..... that's the bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Farm Equipment.
Aug 5-12/99
Health Canada says new food products made from hemp pose an
unacceptable risk to the health of consumers..... they say it begins a never ending cycle of munchies.
At a recent visit to "Babbo" in New York, it's being rumored that
Madonna, while dining with friends, tipped the server only 10%..... it's the first time in years Madonna's been accused of being tight.
Police in Bogota, Columbia say two Roman Catholic nuns shot and
killed a thief who broke into their sanctuary. The unidentified nuns
blasted the intruder in the head with a .38 calibre handgun after they
heard strange noises in the corridors of the Santuary of the Virgin
of Miracles..... might not have been "miracle" but it was sure a hell of a surprise.
.... this just in: The nuns have now been identified as sister Thelma and
Sister Louise.
3 South African youth died last month as a result of botched circumcisions.
Citing hospital sources, the South African Press Association said 3 men
at the Cecilia Makiwane Hospital died from complications stemming from
circumcisions gone awry..... which is what the surgeon was drinking at the time.
.... it's such a delicate operation. Once slip and you'll cut off a man's life support.
A commuter airline manager died instantly last week when he stepped into a
spinning airplane propeller at Arkansas' Little Rock National Airport..... further advancing my theory of the "self-thinning herd".
An East Canton, Ohio man has fashioned his own coffin for his own use when he
passes on. 76 year old Dick Alexander says he was concerned about burdening
his family with the cost of a casket, so the retired carpent built one..... and he's just dying to try it out.
A spanish man is recovering in hospital after two failed suicide attempts last week.
Europa press in Madrid says the 38 year old man leapt from his 3rd floor apartment
but failed to even knock himself out on impact. He staggered back into his apartment
and cut his throat, but police broke down the door and took him to hospital..... ever have days like that?.. where nuthin' goes your way.. Ya just wanna kill yourself.
Aug 4-11/99
The star cellis of the National Arts Center Orchestra had her cello stolen
last week from her locker backstage at the NAC. Amanda Forsyth says she
has had the instrument for 20 years..... that's sad... so much hate, mistrust and violins in the world.
A brawl broke out among soccer moms at a kids game in Kingston last week.
.... those stubborn stains. You try scrubbing them, you try soaking them out...
Researchers at Georgia State University's language research center in Atlanta
have taught apes how to speak English..... place dj joke here.
.... the first thing it said was "By the way stupid, it's called a human wrench!"
Indonesian strongwoman Sri Indriyani managed to surpass the world record
after lifting 84 kilograms in one snatch in the 48-kg division. The snatch lift is
half a kilogram heavier than the world record made by Yu Shafa of China, who lifted
83.5 kg with her snatch in the 13th Asian Games in Bangkok last year..... 84 kilos... that's alot of weight for one snatch.
.... no word on how she did with the clean and jerk.
The vile smell that has not been around since the early seventies has returned to
Lake Erie this summer. Experts blame the noxious odour on the heat, which has
warmed up the lake to 27 degrees C, killing a vast amount of algae, which is
rotting away..... but officials say "Don't worry, it's still safe to walk on!"
Stephen King is writing again. As he continues to recover from injuries suffered
June 19th when he was struck by a minivan while walking alon a country road,
King now says he's been using a laptop computer for an hour and a half each day..... officials say they don't have the heart to tell him it's just an etchasketch.
.... today he wrote his most horrific material ever. It's the opening statement in his
lawsuit against the driver.
A worker at the Historical Museum of Jordan, Ontario has found a pair of Queen
Victoria's knickers. They were rumored to have been lost and forgotten for many
years..... much like Madonna's.
A 17 year old Cincinnati boy whose hormonal problem has produced breasts large
enough to fill a size 34 B bra says his insurers Blue Cross and Blue Shield refuse to
pay for breast reduction because they consider it a cosmetic procedure..... not like the one's the kid's facing if he doesn't get the operation.
A Midland, Michigan man was arrested last week after officers stopped a golf cart
being driven down a city street just before dawn. Police say the cart had no lights
on it and there were no clubs...... If that guy says he was golfing, either way... it's a terrible lie.
Aug 3-10/99
Niagara Police are searching for a flasher in the St. Catherines, Ontario
area who wears a gorilla mask while exposing himself to women..... so he's not exactly a "homo" sapien.
.... one victim said his banana had "appeal"
Dan Quayle, during his appearance on the Tonite Show recently, boasted
that Jay Leno had lampooned him 52 times during the campaign versus
37 for all the other candidates combined. "I'm number one in the Jay Leno
poll", he said..... "the only poll that counts. Leno! L-E-N-O-E!!!"
Thieves in Bogota, Columbia broke into a shoe store last week and stole 756
shoes... all for the right foot. The haul of men and women's and children's
shoes of all makes and sizes was valued at $16,583..... and there were none left!
.... when their boss asked how the heist went, one guy just said.. "all right"!
An American Air Force First Lieutenant is objecting to his latest command -
to stand 24 hour watch at a North Dakota missile silo with a female officer.
Ryan Berry says having to stand watch with a member of the opposite sex
is a temptation to sin..... and he just wants to keep the missile in HIS silo, if you know what I mean.
A Philadelphia nun was left her religious order and has become an exotic
dancer. 27 year old Sister Suzanne ST. Claire recently began waiting tables
when she was approached and offered a job by a night club owner who was
taken with her 38-25-36 hourglass figure. She now wears a different costume.....the church says the just hope she doesn't make a habit of it.
A woman in Dumfries, Scotland has been found guilty of causing "needless
annoyance and anxiety" after she pestered a local priest for sex, phoning him
over 1,000 times over a 3 year period, sending him nude photos of herself and
hundreds of love letters..... forgive me father, for I have NEEDS!!!
Aug 2-10/99
A Walmart store in Ottawa has come under fire from some of its
customers for the way it handled a bomb threat last week. The
Bank St. location bosses kept the tills open as patrons filed out,
paying for their goods as they went..... to make up for it, they're promising a 1 day blow out next week.
Police in Brownsville, Texas say a theatre cashier was beaten up
for refusing two underage teens admission to "Eyes Wide Shut"..... instead the teen got to see "Eyes Swollen Shut"
Supporters of a Colin Davies, a British man who grew marijuana to
smoke for pain relief stood and cheered as a court dismissed charges
that he was dealing..... on the way out, they were overheard shouting "we feel your pain,
Colin"
Oregon Police, making a routine traffic stop, wound up making a drug
bust when a passenger started acting fidgety. Turns out he had a stash
of cocaine down his pants and it was burning his crotch. It was so
unbearable that he asked them to remove the drugs for him..... good thing it wasn't crack!
Britons worried about abusing alcohol wll soon be able to keep easier
track of what they drink through clearer labeling. Bottle or can shaped
icons on the label will show how many "units" are inside. For example,
a bottle of wine contains 9 units. A 330 ml can of 5% strength beer has
1.7 units..... the math is simple: take whatever you're drinking, multiply by 12,
carry the two-four, guzzle the 9........
University of British Columbia researchers say that people exposed to
high levels of viruses and infections at work have a higher risk of getting
Parkinson's disease..... that theory seems kinda shakey to me...
Despite posting a 9% jump in operating profits in the 2nd quarter of
this year, Eastman Kodak plans to cut up to 2500 jobs..... they're asking the workers to look at the "big" picture.
Canada's Brian Stemmle announced his retirement from the national
ski team last week..... 14 seasons and it was all downhill.
Aug 1-Aug 8/99
The National Capital Commission in Ottawa evicted a group of
squatters on Victoria Island last week because pigeon droppings there
had become a health hazard..... the pigeons are glad because the squatter droppings were starting
to bug them, too!
Officials at a nuclear power plant in Finland say they've tripled the
growth of crayfish by incubating them in warm water created by the
cooling system..... those who have tasted the crayfish have given them a glowing
recommendation.
A 46 yr old La Broquerie, Manitoba man was arrested and charged
last week after several people complained they were attacked by a man
driving a tractor..... Hey. There's a tractor.... and it's coming straight for me... it's
still coming..... yep... it's heading straight for me.... what's
that guy doing??... he's still coming for me......... what is
he?... some kind of .. tractor.. weilding.. maniac... come straight for
me like that........
A Windsor, Ontario "performance artist" will dump 250 boxes of corn flakes
onto the ground as part of a public art performance. An Art Gallery of Windsor
spokesman says it's a symbolic returning to the Earth of a natural product. A
spokesman for a group providing free breakfasts for children argues that much
cereal could feed hundreds of kids..... I say just dump the one "big" flake!
An employee at a Thunder Bay McDonald's held a stolen car at the drive-thru
window after a customer identified it as his. The manager delayed a customer
ahead of the stolen vehicle until police arrived. The driver paid at the first window,
then was surrounded by police before he could pick up the food..... would you like an attorney with that??
A woman caught with 21 bags of heroin and 22 bags of cocaine in her wig
and underwear had her bail revoked last week in New York..... lemme guess, the "hair-oin" was in the wig and the "crack"...
The grandson of humorist Will Rogers has died. 47 year old Carlos Rogers
was found in the bathroom of a boarding house cluttered with empty beer bottles.
Despite his austere surroundings, officials say he held assets and trusts worth
over a half a million dollars..... but, sadly, he never met a beer he didn't like.
HOME | PREP LINKS| NEWS LINKS| WEIRD NEWS LINKS | PUNCHLINE NEWS
SHOBIZ | CHAT ROOM | MESSAGE BOARD | RADIOJOCK ICQ GROUP
SPORTS | JOKES | ABOUT WOODMAN'S WORLD | CONTACT US
WOODMAN'S WORLD © 1999
